When I began my journey of dating consciously, it was like a breath of fresh air and it opened me up to a whole world of self discovery, positive growth, and forming meaningful connections. Dating can seem like a daunting process to begin with, causing many people to rather stay in their dysfunctional relationship and make that work rather than start the process of dating over again. I believe it is important to work on improving the relationship, but when one seems to show up constantly and the other does not, when there are blatant incompatibilities, or in the case of abuse, you are better off leaving the relationship than changing the essence of who you are.
If you find yourself at that crossroads of learning to love yourself and willingness to spend more time alone verses dating again because you love being in a relationship, then this article is for you. The process of learning to love yourself fully may take a lifetime, thus, waiting on that as the green light before entering a relationship may not be enough. Aspects of your shadow side will reveal themselves once your vulnerabilities increase in an intimate connection. If you commit to becoming more self-aware and improving yourself throughout your life, you should be able to deal with the shadow aspects that surface by yourself or with the help of a therapist. In this article, I share thought provoking journal prompts to help readers do their own shadow work.
To be good at being in a relationship or dating in general starts by being consciously aware of your actions and intentions. Going into any relationship with the mindset of “what will this person offer me” will ultimately end in disappointment because no one’s purpose on this Earth is to constantly seek your approval. While some may choose to do so, which reveals their own shadow aspects, even the ‘people pleaser’ can’t really satisfy you fully when you both can see that it is at their own expense. The golden rule applies to all interactions, “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you”. Therefore, if you hold high standards for your ideal partner, you need to hold yourself to just as high of standards and maybe even embody what it is you seek in this person.
Beginning your journey of conscious dating means that you know generally what kind of person you wish to be with, with a greater focus on how it feels to be together over any surface level attributes. You also are aware of what you have to offer and are constantly checking in with yourself to see if you are living up to your standards and meeting people that align with your values. For help on learning what this means read this article or book a free consultation with me.
As you start to live in a way that is more conscious, your dating journey will improve. Here are some of the major differences between dating consciously and regular old dating. These examples, are based on both parties being more consciously aware but going into dating with this mindset will make it easier to discern who is more conscious from who is not. There are obvious facts you can look for but the rest is more based on a feeling. “It takes one to know one”.
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Intentions are clearly defined from the beginning | Instead of dating someone and feeling too uncomfortable to ask where this is going, you are able to clearly define your intentions from the beginning (in a way that naturally flows into the conversation) rather that prolonging the state of uncertainty. Another conscious person would be able to state their intentions and if you both aren’t looking for the same things, you can walk away with no hard feelings.
- Oftentimes, undefined intentions in dating can look like one person expecting a relationship and the other just wanting to be sexually connected. They make plans to see each other week after week but have little or no discussion of each other’s intentions out of fear of losing the connection. Ultimately someone will be disappointed if they had their heart set on something the other is not willing to offer.
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There is mutual authenticity and openness | The more comfortable you are being in your true identity and expressing your wants and needs, the easier it is to be authentic and open. Instead of being afraid to share certain aspects about yourself for fear of rejection, you are comfortable owning who you are and accepting if the other does not resonate with that. Be weary of oversharing because there are certain things that are better shared once a level of trust and rapport have been established.
- The problem with going into dating without having a strong sense of identity is that is is harder to be your authentic self. One might feel shame about where they are at in life and the cards they have been dealt and prefer to wear an identity that is similar to the person they are hoping to be with. This may work at first but it does not feel authentic and it is hard to keep up with if you’re trying to maintain an image far from the essence of who you are.
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A willingness to be vulnerable | Vulnerability is such a beautiful point of connection when it gets to that place while dating. It is a potential to go farther with this person, explore deeper, and open up more. With conscious dating, when both people have identified their intentions to be in a relationship, having sex right away is not as prioritized. It is more important to get to know each other and experience a level of connection before having sex.
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Many people have a fear of vulnerability because they believe that by sharing who they are, the other person will not accept them and thus leave. In retrospect, sex is a very vulnerable act that modern dating seems to view as casual. It is harder today to get someone to open up about themselves than it is to get them naked.
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Vulnerability is a very common fear and a great one to tackle through therapy if this is something that is keeping you from deeper and more meaningful connections.
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Respecting each other’s boundaries and needs | Being conscious also means you are more consciously aware of the other person’s boundaries and needs. Even if they don’t formally express them, you are considerate of giving them space and reading their emotional and physical cues. Likewise, you would be comfortable expressing your boundaries if you feel like they are being impeded on.
- When dating with the mindset of “what can this person offer me”, this is when situations like sexual pressure become apparent. If respect isn’t established from the start then it is harder to establish them later because an expectation has been made. Regardless, you are always in the right to enforce a boundary or express a need regardless of someone else’s expectations.
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Deep, emotionally fulfilling conversation | When you consciously seek out a person based on what it feels like to be together, the connection may feel stronger. You may share similar values and beliefs that make it easier to understand each other. Fulfilling conversations can be experienced almost immediately with some people when they find that good conversational match. It requires a degree of openness and authenticity to flow seamlessly and once you experience it, it is harder to go back to shallow conversations.
- Do a “connection test” before going on dates with people and save yourself time from potentially bad dates. Asking for a quick phone call or video chat isn’t out of the ordinary in this day and age. Keep in mind that not everyone is as open off the bat and need to feel comfortable with you first, so don’t be too quick to judge. If there is a potential for connection, it may be worth exploring. Have some good questions in mind to get to know one another in a way that seems conversational rather than interrogative. Use this article for examples on great first date questions to ask.
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A sense of spiritual intimacy and growth | This one is a bonus, so if you achieve it congratulations! For those who are more spiritually inclined, finding a person who is also seeking a sense of divine connection can be a very strong compatibility. For some this may mean sharing the same religious practice, and for others this could mean just the willingness to consider a higher power and openness to discussing it.
- Dating a person who is not spiritually inclined at all while the other is can be a major incompatibility down the road. The other person should not be expected to completely fulfill you and share the same beliefs, but the closer your interests and beliefs are, the better the connection can be. If spirituality is important to you, this could be a big discerning point for who you decide to keep dating.
There are many differences between dating consciously and regular dating, but these are some of my favorites. Dating consciously does not mean you are guaranteed a relationship. Sometimes you will find connections that are better off as friendship, and that is ok too! Dating can be a wonderful experience where you have the potential to learn a lot about yourself and grow as a person. I love working with my single clients on identifying growth areas after a date while learning how to be in a healthy relationship with themselves fundamentally.
To basically some up what I have shared thus far and to offer some additional first date tips that I learned when I shifted to conscious dating, try out the following.
- Set up a phone call or video chat before the first date to test the connection.
- Voice texts will make you stand out and show more of your personality rather than just plain texts with emojis.
- Know who you are and what you want.
- Meet in an environment that you feel comfortable in.
- Have a few conversation topics in mind that will help you to discern compatibility.
- Focus on increasing the emotional connection before the sexual connection.
There you have it! I hope you learned a lot from this article and I would be interested in knowing what you have learned about yourself from dating in the comments below. When you find someone you are interested in forming a relationship with using the more conscious approach, read this article to assist you in setting up the conversation.