What is performance anxiety?
The mind could be one’s own worst enemy when it comes to performance anxiety and there is a lot of self reflecting that needs to take place if this is the case. The act of worrying about not being able to perfrom while having sex means that a person is in their head space instead of focusing on the sensations of their body.
This is what creates anxiety. Anxiety is a term commonly referred to in the mental health field as when an individual puts too much emotion into a possible consequence of a future event. When I refer to performance anxiety I am talking about the negative thoughts one experiences in relation to their sexual performance with a partner and how these thoughts trigger anxiety that can create a less than satisfactory performance. It is basically a vicious cycle. If during a sexual act a person is too distracted about whether their partner is enjoying it, whether it is possible they will maintain an erection, or whether either of them can reach orgasm then they are relinquishing all the potential connection of that moment and giving into the mental chatter.
Male performance anxiety is a normal phenomenon.
Research shows that this is the most common sexual problem in men and that most men will experience performance anxiety or erectile dysfunction at least once in their lifetimes.
A common solution that is given to men facing these challenges is the prescription of a pill like Viagra or Cialis. These pills are designed to give the physical response needed in order to stay harder longer since difficulties with staying erect is the most common symptom of performance anxiety. Relying on a pill does not cure the anxiety, it postpones it. When seeking professional help it is best to get multiple opinions and treatment options. A medical doctor will prescribe medication after providing a health screening but a sex therapist, for example, would conisder the diagnosed health condition alongside one’s emotional well being in order to decide on the treatment plan. A holistic approach is best for tackling this issue from multiple angles and this article serves to illuminate on the reasons why performance anxiety may be a purely emotional experience.
Before reaching for a pill here are some things to consider that may be serving as an underlying cause.
Why Does Performance Anxiety Happen?
Overcoming performance anxiety begins with identifying what triggers the anxiety and then breaking this pattern by addressing all the things that can be controlled.
The reoccurence of this anxiety which may lead to difficulty performing can become a habitual pattern to the point where the thought of sex triggers anxiety. The solution is to break this pattern by addressing all the elements that can be negatively impacting the sexual experience. The main drivers being physical, mental, emotional, and environmental triggers.
The following questions are intended to inspire deeper reflection into potential underlying causes.
Mental Triggers:
- Are you feeling like your overall connection and relationship with your partner has been fading away?
- Has your partner expressed concern about the situation?
- Is sex the only thing that is impacting your relationship?
Emotional triggers:
- Have you been experiencing noticeable mood changes throughout the day?
Environmental Triggers:
If you are feeling really stressed, reflect on where it is coming from and how long it has been there.
- Is it work related?
- Is your partner bringing up a lot of stress?
- Are the kids being particularly difficult?
Physical triggers:
- Have you not been that physically active?
- Do you have a poor diet?
- Have you been watching what you consider to be a lot of porn?
- Why would you choose to watch porn more often than being sexual with your partner?
If any of these factors are present then the next thing to consider is what are the actionable steps that can be taken in order to lower the overall anxiety and embrace the experience with a healthier mindset.
Communication is key.
When one partner is experiencing anxiety around sexual performance then chances are the other partner will begin to feel their own anxiety, often triggering their existing insecurities.
Couples who have not had sex in a while often get into cycles where they avoid bringing up the topic altogether. Their newly found pattern is to go about avoiding it and then letting the tension spill over in other ways. By taking the time to have an honest conversation about what is going on, the whole issue could be resolved and sex will become an exciting and pleasurable experience once again.
Here are a few common scenarios that could be leading to performance anxiety and a possible solution through honest communication.
Scenario 1: Performance anxiety when you’re the only one who initiates sex…
Perhaps you have always been the one to initate sex and you are starting to feel less desirable because your partner doesn’t choose to initiate.
Perhaps they are so used to you initiating that when you stop they believe they are no longer desirable.
Communication strategy…
“Honey, I want to make love to you more often but I don’t want to feel like I am the only one who is initiating. I want to feel that you desire to have sex with me and will make the effort to ask for it too.”
The reason this statement is effective is because it reveals what one person is feeling and offers a solution that would make the problem dissipate. There is no blaming or attacking of the other person, just a simple request that is coming from a genuine place.
Scenario 2: Performance anxiety when you fear rejection…
If you have always been the initiator and have been repeatedly turned down then you could eventually start storing this feedback as a core belief that you are not wanted or not good enough. This would lead to anxiety around asking for what you want out of fear of rejection. Even when your partner seems willing to be with you, that core belief may come to mind and halt the possibility of being together.
Communication strategy
“I have been feeling really rejected lately because I am the only one initiating sex and I more than often get turned down. Can we talk about why this is happening?”
This statement opens up again with the way you are feeling that will bring some perspective to your partner about the situation. It mentions a fact which is that you are the only one initiating and often get turned down and then opens up the opportunity for a conversation around this situation by inviting your partner to share their perspective. There is no attacking of their character, it just simply calls out their behavior.
Scenario 3: Performance anxiety when your partner seems disinterested…
It is so important to check in with your partner from time to time and ask them whether what you are doing is actually what they want. They could be too afraid to voice their opinion in fear that this will hurt your feelings and thus create more anxiety.
Communication strategy
In order to lay all cards on the table in a way that neither gets hurt you can open up the discussion by simply saying, “What is something you would like to experience more of (or less of) while we have sex?”
This question shouldn’t trigger too much criticism as the response is based on an action and not the technique.
It is so important to check in with your partner from time to time and ask them whether what you are doing is actually what they want. They could be too afraid to voice their opinion in fear that this will hurt your feelings and thus create more anxiety.
Final thoughts on Overcoming Performance Anxiety
Always consider how your partner is doing emotionally. They may be experiencing a lot of internalized stress as well. It is also possible that they don’t experience spontaneous desire and need to be turned on through other means like a massage, words of affirmation, cuddling, etc. We can’t expect that using the same approach everytime will have the same effect.
The Mindfulness Approach
Not every intimate encounter has to lead to sex. Take more time to enjoy a passionate kiss, a full body massage, a long cuddle, … and see where that leads you. This removes pressure off of your performance and gets you more in touch with your body and what feels good moment to moment. Mindfulness is considered as “non judgemental, present moment awareness”. A study published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine found success in treating situational erectile dysfunction using a mindfulness approach. Situational ED occurs when a man is physically capable of getting erection, but has trouble sustaining them in certain situations, such as when he feels high performance demands from a partner.
Psychologist, Dr. Lori Brotto, stated in a 2013 paper published in the Canadian Journal of Human Sexuality, that “mindfulness can also be extended to the treatment of men with premature ejaculation, delayed ejaculation, [and] low sexual desire.”
I encourage you to look into how to practice more mindfulness daily and then incorporate it into your sex life. Also make an agreement with your partner that during the next intimate encounter your goal will be to connect and playfully explore. If an orgasm happens, that’s great. If not, that’s ok too.
If no improvement was found after attempting all these strategies, then it would be best to seek out a professional opinion. Sexual dysfunction can also have deeply rooted emotional trauma or be linked to a general anxiety disorder. Being an anxious person in general can easily translate into the bedroom and there are additional treatments for this. Working with a Therapist that handles sexual issues can help you uncover things from your past that may still be affecting you to this day, as well as explore if a disorder may be present. Doctors will look at physical symptoms and prescribe a drug but I am still betting on the influence of your mindset when it comes to performance anxiety.