If you have been in a relationship with the same person for a while then you probably have a routine and a comfort level established. You both may assume to have a good understanding of one another and are aware of each person’s role in the relationship, their daily habits, their interests, etc.
It is also common that sooner or later this routine starts to feel a little lackluster and can make you recall moments in the past when you felt a heightened passion and curiosity for one another.
I have heard my clients say anything from, “Why can’t we be like we used to? We would have sex multiple times in a row and spend all day in bed cuddling and talking. Now I am lucky to get it once a week.” to “The sex we have now feels empty. Like it has no soul, when before we couldn’t get enough of each other.”
When I heard this my immediate reaction is not to look at how they can make more time for each other or sexual techniques they could explore, I want to compare the difference in how they related to each other in the past to how they relate now.
There could be many reasons as to why the spark has faded, but when looking at a generally functioning relationship with no real cases of hardship except for decreased sexual desire, sexual polarity may be the source to consider. Think of the saying, “when opposites attract, a spark is created”. When looking at electrical energy or the very atoms in our body, there is a positive pole and a negative pole.
When people have a strong sexual desire for each other, their two poles are called “Masculine” and “Feminine.” This energy is not gender-based. A man can portray more feminine energy just as a woman can portray masculine energy. When considering how these energies are portrayed, think of masculine energy as more task-oriented, focused, and direct, while the feminine is emotionally driven, intuitive, and in an ever-changing state of flow.
Both have their purpose and sometimes a masculine person needs to embody feminine energy to do a task or vice versa. Take for example a single mother who enters the work force in a high paying, male dominated job. She needs to do tasks that require a great deal of focus and perhaps a competitive edge. Sooner or later this becomes her dominant state because that is her role. What she desires could be more family time and nurturing but her responsibility to family took her in another direction. If she is not able to transition into her natural feminine state, the men that come into her life may be turned off by her work driven mindset and competitive attitude. There is both masculine and feminine energy in all of us but the one that we exude most dominantly is the one that our partner receives. In the example of this hard working woman, she could use her masculine side to excel in work but if she could realize how to transition into her desired feminine energy in the other areas of her life, she would be happier. This is especially important if she wants to attract a dominantly masculine man, she would need to relate from her more feminine energy.
Polarity does not matter when it comes to love because we can love another without desiring to have sex with them. When it comes to our partner, we do crave that sexual intimacy and want to feel the attraction throughout the relationship.
So what happens when you love your partner but have lost sexual attraction to them?
It could be that you have become depolarized, which is the neutralization of polarity. Your very routine and patterns can be the cause of it. We see it especially with couples who divide all tasks down the middle, like a pair of college roommates. As well as with couples who spend too much time together, or even work together. It doesn’t allow for tension to build and your roles may be too similar to feel that sense of polarity.
The Solution to Rebuilding Sexual Polarity
- Have a meeting where you both redefine each person’s role in the relationship. Discuss the tasks you enjoy doing most to the more unpleasent tasks you don’t mind doing. Make agreements one time on who does what and the time frame it is expected to get done. This could save you the hassle of nagging or bringing up chore duty whilst trying to spend quality time together, because nothing can be more unsexy than deciding who is taking out the trash next. When it comes time to reevaluate the tasks then decide on another meeting. You can also mention any frustrations on how the agreement is being carried out during a weekly relationship check in.
- Look for the areas where you are too similar. If you are living together, raising children, practicing the same activities, and even working together, then you basically depolarized the relationship and the idea of fitting passionate sex into your already synchronistic schedules loses its excitement. This can bring another opportunity for redefining roles and dividing tasks based on the natural energy of the purpose (tedious mental tasks like monthly budgeting and taxes verses nurturing tasks like feeding, bathing, and dressing the children).
- Create some space by spending more time apart. When people spend too much time together, their energies start to merge and they lose sense of themselves. Resentment can build as a result, especially if a person really enjoys their alone time for recharging. In the beginning stages of dating it is more exciting because there is a slight nervousness about whether we will see this person again, which builds greater desire. We can’t assume our partner will always want to be by our side so spending time a part at least gives you the opportunity to miss each other and wonder what the other is doing.
“Let there be spaces in your togetherness, And let the winds of the heavens dance between you. Love one another but make not a bond of love: Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.” – Khalil Gibran
- Put your personal growth first. David Deida explains this beautifully in his book Way of the Superior Man. Basically when you dedicate your energy toward fulfilling your purpose, rather than defining your purpose based on your relationship, you will present as a better and more fulfilled person and be perceived as more desirable by your partner. This is not to say that your partner wants you to be a workaholic, rather they wish you to maintain the passions and direction you had when they first fell in love with you. Don’t lose touch with yourself. The best use of your time apart from your partner would be to dedicate it to your growth and self care.
- Allow each person to embody their natural energy. Couples who do not understand how the opposite sex functions may hold expectations of this person that align only with what they know. They need to open their perspective and learn about how the opposite sexual energy functions. The masculine dominant person needs to learn how to embrace the more emotionally driven and intuitive nature of the feminine while the feminine needs to trust the direction and solution-focused energy of the masculine. Depolarization occurs when a partner tries to change their energy to please the other, leading the relationship to feel stale or unbalanced.
- Define each others sexual roles. In some instances, masculine dominant men want to be in a position, sexually, where they relinquish power and receive instead. This is more how a woman would interact naturally during sex. Likewise, a woman may want to dominate in bed but be in a relationship with a masculine man in all other areas. If you feel uncertain about your natural sexual energy then it may be worth exploring both roles.
Some people may have been living in the opposite energy for so long that they have completely lost touch with themselves. I help people uncover their natural sexual energy and find creative ways to embody it daily, which leads to a more fulfilling and purposeful life and attracts a positive response from their partner. If you are in need of realigning with your energetic nature send me a message at daniellenicolegraves@gmail.com.
To learn more about sexual polarity and the roles of the masculine and feminine, read the book Intimate Communion by David Deida.