Let’s say life isn’t going the way you hoped it would…
You hate your job, spending time with your friends makes you feel worse about yourself, your partner doesn’t respect you, etc.
A lot of things can feel out of our control but when our life seems to be falling apart, the only common denominator in that equation is YOU. When you aren’t living your best life, it is likely because your standards are too low and/or you’re not establishing healthy boundaries around them. Your dreams can be high but if you don’t act in a way that brings you closer to them, then it will only ever remain a dream.
If you want to feel in control of your life and step into the “main character role” then start by defining your STANDARDS.
Standards are behaviors, beliefs or values that you choose to live by. They set the foundation for how you live your life, show others what to expect from you, and set the boundary for what you’re willing to put up with.
The following questions will help you identify your standards:
What are your core values and how many do you actually follow or expect people in your life to abide by?
What do your primary behaviors and beliefs say about you? How well do you honor them?
How do you think others perceive you based on the current standards you abide by?
What are you currently putting up with or tolerating in your life?
When I work with clients who have low standards or who have lowered their standards to meet another person’s, they usually have a low self worth. They have fallen into the habit of expecting the bare minimum from others and then start to expect the same of themselves rather than strive for something better. This is a form of self sabotage because it keeps them from achieving their goals.
A person with high standards differs because they believe in themselves and that they are worthy for the best outcomes in life. When something isn’t going their way they respond by changing their situation without lowering their standards. In order to do this, healthy boundaries need to be established.
Setting healthy boundaries is a form of self love because you are showing yourself that you are worthy of being respected while also showing others the standard you expect them to meet you at.
When setting healthy boundaries, make it simple. I like this formula I got from psychology today.
- Define – Know your desired outcome
- Communicate – Say what you need
- Stay simple – Don’t overexplain
- Set consequences – Say why it’s important to you
Make sure to set your boundaries both respectfully and assertively. I will give you an example of responding to different scenarios in an assertive and passive manner. You may notice that when you sound too passive, the person doesn’t know whether to take you seriously and thus a boundary is not properly set.
When a friend asks you to join them at an event but you don’t feel like going…
Friend: Do you want to join me at this event tonight?
Passive: Maybe, I might have something I need to do but I’ll let you know.
Assertive: No, I don’t feel like joining today but have fun!
When you are working on a team project at work or in school…
Colleague: Hey can you finish the rest of this project? I am swamped.
Passive: I am pretty busy already but maybe I can try to get it done if I get my work done first.
Assertive: I am also swamped and I will complete my portion of the tasks but I can’t do yours as well.
When you are on a date with someone and they want to you go home with them sooner than you would have liked…
New date: That was a fun date. How about we keep this night going at my place?
Passive: I don’t know about that. We just met and I don’t want to move too fast.
Assertive: I am not intimate with the people I am dating until a strong emotional connection is established. If you would like to keep exploring that connection with me then I would love to plan our next date.
Some things to keep in mind…
Setting boundaries does not make you a mean person, but if when standing up for yourself someone perceives you in this way, that is out of your control. When you set a boundary respectfully and with your best interest in mind, you are standing up for yourself and someone else’s perspective of you does not matter.
Sometimes people may hold others to higher standards than they hold themselves. This is an example of a toxic behavior or hypocrisy, whether one is conscious of it or not. If you are expecting others to be at their best, then you have to be at yours.
Don’t expect others to have your same standards. Values, beliefs, and behaviors are continually adopted and adapted as we progress through life. When the majority of our standards are in alignment with another’s, we may feel like our most comfortable and best self around them. Think of a best friend or a partnership where both people are in love with each other. When it comes to dreams relationships, values and beliefs need to be aligned and behaviors can be either mimicked or act as a balance for each other’s.
To raise your standards, follow these steps.
- Think of someone who you deeply admire or respect. What standards do they hold themselves to? How do you tend to act around them or how do you perceive others acting around them?
- Write down on a sheet of paper your core values, your primary beliefs, and the main behaviors you like to engage in. Circle the one’s that are non negotiable and need to be maintained when it comes to building relationships or friendships with others.
- Define where your current standards are at in relation to where you want them to be by making a column of reality verses desired achievable outcome. I like to base my standards off different areas of well being. Use the Wellness Wheel as reference to your main areas of wellbeing.
4. List the main people in your life that hold you to your highest standards and the ones who you tend to lower your standards for. The one’s who cause you to lower your standards are the one’s who you need to create healthy boundaries around.
5. Decide what your boundaries are that will allow you to maintain your standards and make intentions to establish these boundaries going forward. To learn more about the different types of boundaries refer to this worksheet and then use this worksheet to write them out.
6. Create rituals and routines that hold you to your standards. Maybe you find a trusted person to hold you accountable and make this process easier. https://inherworlds.com/setting-higher-standards/
7. Live up to your standards and continue to raise them. This can look like surrounding yourself with the right people, having self discipline, writing down goals regularly, and maintaining a vision of your optimal future as the main outcome of what you’re working towards.
Self reflection is the easy part but acting on new intentions and finding your voice in the process can become a blocker. If you need help with implementing these standards and setting healthy boundaries, then reach out to me. I understand what it is like to be a people pleaser and having to train myself to find my empowered inner voice, but believe me, once you learn how to do it, your whole life will change in your favor.