What I am sharing with you in this article is a simple thing you can do weekly that could seriously save your relationship and make it last for as long as you intend it be. The task itself is very simple but requires you and your partner’s willingness to consistently do it and be fully transparent throughout.
Had I known about this task before, I would have saved myself from being in the wrong relationship for so long and could have potentially found my ideal partner sooner, but regardless I gained valuable lessons from this experience.
I learned that I am uncomfortable with being vulnerable so rather than sitting in the discomfort and really exploring where it is coming from, I would avoid it by suppressing the emotion and ignoring the thought. My tendency to be a people pleaser worked against me because I wasn’t listening to my own needs and instead lost a sense of myself in my relationships in order to make it easier to get along with them and avoid the uncomfortable experience of addressing the core issues.
What I am suggesting could save you from staying stuck in any aspect of your life but for the purpose of this article the focus will be on relationships. The solution is as simple as regularly doing check ins.
At the end of every week I have scheduled in my calendar a time for a quick check in with myself. During this check in I ask myself specific questions based on core values that are fundamental to my well being and purpose.
Weekly Self Check In
Are my core values being met in this relationship?
Core values are the guiding principles that dictate behavior. Make a list of your core values and refer to them in each check in. If you don’t know what your core values are this free assessment will help you discover them.
Am I feeling supported in this relationship?
This question explores the many areas of your life where you would like to receive support. Address whether the most important relationships, goals, work life, personal interests and your overall sense of self are being not only supported by this relationship but respected. Address whether the loss of any one of these aspects is negotiable to you.
Who do I want to be?
This encompasses who you aspire to be in your daily life, your work life, your relationship, your family life, etc. This question inspires self reflection to help you consider the gap from who you are now to where you want to be. This question also encompasses who you aspire to be if you were fully living out your purpose. Through this question, also consider how your relationship aids or impacts you in your personal growth towards your purpose.
Who do I not want to be?
It is good to remind ourselves who we don’t want to be so that we can better see how our actions or habits may impede us from becoming our ultimate selves. Consider whether your relationship is bringing out negative aspects of you.
What do I want to do this week?
Create goals you wish to accomplish like important tasks but also incorporate goals that bring you closer to your ideal version of yourself and purpose. This question can also deepen your connection when you make goals of what you want to accomplish this week with your partner.
What do I not want to do this week?
Consider any behaviors you have been doing that have been holding you back from your goals and list them out as things you do not want to do this week. Reflect on whether you did something with your partner that impacted your closeness and make an agreement to yourself to improve with an opposite and favorable action.
How am I feeling overall?
The above questions keep us in our head space as we look for rational answers but one of the most important pieces of check ins is to get in touch with the emotions underlying the situations and learning how to work with them to guide us towards a decision or truth.
An example of this is would be if our heart senses we are dating the wrong person because we feel like we should be treated better than we are. Our mind might try to rationalize that this person is treating us fine and that they could change if we do a little more to show them how to love us. The underlying feeling may be fear and this fear could be rooted in the belief that we don’t want to be alone.
Thoughts like this create a divide between your head and your heart and you will fall into the same patterns that keep you stuck time and time again until you learn to listen to your heart. When you give yourself time to practice this every week, you are strengthening this connection and will eventually be more guided by intuition and respond with action that brings you towards the life you desire.
Measure Weekly Results.
Measuring involves looking for the quantifiable results of your actions. This could look something like:
How many times this week did I do something to make my partner feel special? (or vice versa)
How many hours spent with my partner this week were loving verses resentful?
On a scale from 1 to 10 (10 being the happiest), how much happier did I feel this week from last week on average?
By scheduling these check ins you are telling yourself that you are worth investing time in and are open to listening to your inner knowing.
The next step is to apply these same principles to your relationship.
Schedule a regular time each week for you and your partner to check into how each person is feeling about the relationship. This can be done as frequently as you like (daily, monthly, or even annually) but it is important that you both agree to a scheduled time so that you can come prepared and it creates a simple sign of commitment towards always improving your relationship.
When couples fight or breakup they tend to ruminate on the unmet expectations and faults of the other person. They may eventually consider their own faults and commit to improving in the next relationship, but check ins could have helped prevent the breakup from happening at all.
When both partners come together regularly and lay all their cards on the table from a place of transparency and experienced emotion, there is no opportunity for problems to go ignored.
It is important to note that scheduled check ins should not be used to avoid an issue when it comes up. I prefer that issues are handled then and there, but having this scheduled check in provides an additional opportunity for everything to be addressed and improves communication.
Here are the 6 questions to ask each other during each weekly check in:
- What did I do last week that made you feel loved and appreciated?
- What can I do next week to make you feel loved and appreciated?
- In the upcoming week, are you going to need more time together, or more space for yourself?
- How do you feel about our sex life right now?
- How do you feel about us right now?
- Is there anything else you want to talk about?
After asking each question and receiving the response, try to sit with the feeling or emotion that follows and share with your partner what is coming up. The heart knows what it wants and when we overanalyze a situation or try to suppress uncomfortable emotions, we are denying ourselves of our true desires and leaving our partner in the dark.
For example:
Partner 1: I am feeling a little insecure about us right now. This started after I overheard you talking about us with your friend recently. You sounded uncertain and I immediately felt frustrated because I thought we were in a good place.
Partner 2: I hear you and I am sorry that what I said made you feel uncertain. What I really meant during that conversation was that I feel out of touch with myself because of work stress and I know I could be doing more to be a better partner. What I am feeling right now is hurt because I made you upset but I also feel certain about us because I want to be with you and am willing to invest more time into us.
This is an example of couple who are well versed in sharing their emotions that apply to certain situations and have already formed a habit of transparent communication.
You can treat these check ins like a formal business meeting with an agreed upon intention and plan of action or integrate it into an intimate date night followed by some fun activities.
Give it a try and let me know how it works out for you.
If you are having trouble expressing your wants and needs, falling into a pattern of people pleasing, and losing yourself to a relationship, book a session with me and we can see what is really going on to create these patterns.