“You are such a brat!”
“Why can’t you be more like your brother?”
“Have you put on weight? I think you can skip dessert tonight.”
If reading any of the cringe-worthy statements above brings up an image of one or both of your parental figures, chances are you were raised by a highly critical person.
Statements like these create lasting damage in people’s emotional states and in the way they perceive themselves. The cruel words they heard so many times from their parents can eventually turn into their own inner critic that they carry with them throughout their adult life. Through therapy and increasing their knowledge, they can learn to separate their inner critic from the beliefs of their wounded inner child, but it takes work.
When it comes to understanding your highly critical parent, here is a different way to look at them.
Your parent’s criticism, although insulting and offensive, was their way of loving you.
They used criticism as a love language, and I say love language because oftentimes the parent is coming from a place of good intent. They think that by using harsh words it will motivate you to be better, and that their idea of better will prevent from suffering or making a mistake they did. This was likely the love language and lessons that they received from their parents, that they unconsciously passed down to you in the same way without realizing that hurtful words can make things worse. They may have even appeared confident and put together on the surface as they said these words to you, when deep down they know they too aren’t meeting their own standards of perfection.
When looking at it this way, I have practiced translating a few example critics to a statement that comes from a more loving intent.
When they use the critic, “You are such a failure. Why do you keep coming home with bad grades. Now no school is going to accept you!”
what they meant to say was, “I value hard work and obtaining higher education. I want you to have the best options in life. Even better than what I had, and your grades will help you get into the best schools.”
or when they say, “You look fat. Stop eating so much.” they likely meant,“ When I was growing up, my mother taught me the importance of marrying a good husband and that men prefer attractive women. I am afraid if you let yourself go that you might suffer from bullying or less options available for a worthy partner”.
I am not saying that any of these criticisms are right or that the translated statement should have been said instead. The translation more so portrays a possible truth behind their statement, from a perspective that is based in the generational stories they were taught.
You, as a self aware individual, have an opportunity to break this generational trauma and find a better way to love and communicate.
Likewise, you can continue to believe their criticism and set yourself to standards of perfection that are impossible to meet.
If you prefer the first option, here are 5 steps to break free of criticism and transform your mindset to a more empowering one:
- Shift your perspective. Consider how your parent was raised and the words they heard growing up. Is it a cultural norm to express criticism in this way? Is there generational trauma? Are they coming from a place of love or malice?
- Increase your awareness. Do some research or talk with those you’re close to on how they’ve experienced criticism in their lives. Share the words you heard that still affect you the most and get their opinions on whether this is normal behavior from a parent. It is hard to grasp onto the concept of what is normal when you were raised one way your entire life. Find ways to contrast your beliefs and decide what feels like a better way to communicate opinions.
- Do your shadow work. Grab a journal and write down all the criticism you tell yourself everyday. Then write about all the criticism you remember hearing growing up. Does the voice in your head sound a lot like your critical parent’s? Do you find yourself critiquing others in the same way you were critiqued growing up?
- Transform Your Inner Voice. Create affirmations that challenge the negative criticism you still hold onto, then design a vision of the best version of yourself that fully embodies these affirmations. Make goals on actionable steps you can make toward becoming this ideal version.
- Accept your parent for who they are. Chances are that this is the full capacity your parent is consciously able to give. If their mind is too fixed or too victimized to be able to shift perspectives, then it may never change. It is your job to continue on your journey of growing your self worth and acceptance on your own terms. Set boundaries with them so that they learn not to use words that disrespect you. It may involve reducing contact if they continue to criticize you but start by giving them the benefit of the doubt by teaching them how to reframe their critics into constructive statements or to not share their opinion about you at all until they learn to speak lovingly.
The best way to heal parental wounds and transform your mindset will come from counseling or coaching. This work will help you move through the steps mentioned above in a much deeper and collaborative way. As well as teach you skills like how to transform your mindset, break negative behavioral patterns, and increase your sense of self worth. I have helped so many of my clients break generational traumas and embody self love to its fullest expression. Book a session with me to learn how to experience this yourself.