When reflecting on your previous romantic relationships, do you recall those moments that led you to the agreement of being together?
For some, this question brings a clear recollection of the discussion that decided this important transition towards a partnership. For others, there might be a vague recollection of how they transitioned from friendship or dating and into a committed relationship without much thought or discussion beforehand.
I believe that before we enter into a committed romantic relationship with another person, a lot of self-reflection, consideration, and conversation should take place. I all too often see people decide on being in a relationship based on attraction and a certain level of chemistry. Other more personal factors may urge someone towards entering a relationship, such as loneliness, a sense of incompleteness, outside pressure, or unwarranted circumstances like pregnancy.
Often individuals assume that if there is enough attraction then all other factors we hope for from this person will begin to flourish. This simply isn’t the case because as when we enter a relationship we are also bringing in our worldview, our previous romantic history, trauma, family, etc. Most people are not going to be that adaptable to your needs and these inherent differences will build tension in the relationship.
Forming relationships based more on affection than attraction will lead to longevity.
Attraction is an important factor in bringing you together but affection is what will make it last. Affection in a relationship includes how willing the partners are toward spending quality time together, protecting, caring for, contributing, and making each other happy. Attraction can be realized immediately but affection can also be apparent in the early stages of dating. A long term partnership should be discussed after both partners are experiencing a strong combination of attraction and affection, with the intention of commitment. Making conscious coupling your intention when discussing a long term partnership will set you up with the strongest foundation, and it looks something like this.
When you and your potential partner discuss how your individual goals, values, desires, and vision could align before entering into a committed partnership, you are engaging in a process called conscious coupling.
I refer to conscious coupling as a means of entering into a committed relationship with intention and consistent, good communication. The benefit of having deeper and honest discussions about how your values and lifelong goals are in alignment will save you the trouble of wasting time and energy in a relationship that does not serve you long term. Trying to instill our values and beliefs on our partner will create defiance and problems down the road that are so often manifested through splitting up or divorce. A little more effort invested into this decision before entering the relationship will make it much easier and leave less room from unpredictability.
I will share with you 5 key steps towards conscious coupling that you can reflect on before entering your next relationship. These can also be used as a way to check in on your current relationship.
- Self Reflection.
When you self reflect you are contemplating the many areas in your life that make up the essence of you. Your past and present relationships have a huge influence on how you navigate the world. They inspired your present values and beliefs. I recommend getting into a journaling practice that explores key areas of your life you wish to uphold and decide how that could fit into an ideal relationship. We must be willing to adapt if we want our connection with others to grow but defining areas of your life that are non-negotiable will filter out those who aren’t in alignment with you.
- Communicate your desires.
Once you are more comfortable knowing who you are and have a good idea about what you want, get into the habit of communicating this clearly. There may be aspects of yourself that you wish to uphold that may turn someone off. That is for you to decide how important it is for maintaining your long term happiness. Chances are that there is always someone out there that will be a better fit so choose yourself first and speak your truth to increase your chances of finding an ideal partner.
- Listen to their desires.
Now that you have made them aware of what you want out of this relationship, give them the space to share their desires, values, and nonnegotiables.
- Create a shared vision as to whether these desires can coexist.
Take time to mutually reflect on whether your partnership aligns with both your goals by discussing possibilities for your future. If one person absolutely does not want kids while the other does, you will always feel resentful towards each other for impeding your grand vision.
- Make a decision.
Be honest about whether or not you are in alignment with this shared vision and decide then and there whether continuing the relationship is in both of your highest intentions. If you feel a strong sense of attraction or affection you can still remain in each other’s lives but a different type of partnership can be negotiated.
If you are already in a committed relationship and these 5 steps have led you to realize that your values and goals are not in alignment at all then you can consider the opposite action, called conscious uncoupling. The same key steps are in effect except for the goal of this outcome is a more friendly and seamless separation.
Before making this decision I suggest seeking out couples counseling or coaching because having that third party perspective helps reveal patterns that create barriers in the relationship and eventually allows everyone to see the situation from a mutual perspective.
If you are in the state of Florida and would like to book a counseling session with me you can email wholehealthpsyh@gmail.com. Through counseling we take a deeper exploration on your past and patterns that impede your life and utilize techniques to help you overcome them.
Alternatively you can book a coaching session as a couple of individual where we focus more on the present and future by identifying your goals, your blockages and come up with a clear strategy and communication script for getting you the life you desire. To book a session click here.