If there is one good lesson we can all take from this quarantine experience, it is that we now have a lot more time for self reflecting.

Being forced into isolation transforms our entire foundation of what we need during a social interaction and dating. If during your self reflection you have realized that this whole experience would be much better with a loving person to share it with, and you are wondering why you are alone, this article is for you. 

Likewise, if you are in quarantine with your partner and are struggling to get along, this article is for you.

The premise of what I am sharing with you is how to be a better person on your own so that the experience of being with a partner only enhances your overall happiness instead of being the reason for it. 

‘Self-partnered’ is a term popularized by Emma Watson, and it’s an alternate way of saying “I’m single and committed to myself.” A person who is actively working on improving themselves each day is overall more interesting and enjoyable to be around. They don’t require too much from others because they have these qualities within themselves already. 

If you want to go from single to self partnered, your chances of finding love will increase. For those already in a relationship, putting more of your energy into improving yourself will be admired and inspirational for your partner.

“The flower doesn’t dream of the bee. It blossoms and the bee comes.”

-Mark Nepo

Let’s start by first looking at your dating trends and relate it to what you are looking for in your imagined or current partner.

Consider each of the following questions:

• Do you hold unreasonably high expectations for your partner?
• Do you spot the red flags almost immediately?
• Is your dating history filled with flings but nothing too serious?
• Is your dating history filled with jumping from one relationship to the next?
• How comfortable are you with being single?
• Are you willing to reflect on the ways you aren’t being the ideal partner and then work on them?

These are the foundational questions I encourage you to ask yourself because all too often we look outward to find that one person who can fulfill us in all the ways we are lacking. This creates too high of an expectation for this person and they are bound to fail us in some way. 

Instead of asking your partner “What can you offer me?”, ask yourself “What can you offer this person?”. Their destiny in life was probably not to meet you and cater to all your needs. They too are on their own journey and are also wanting to meet someone they can feel happy and completely themselves with, but also continue pursuing personal goals. 

There will be things they fall short on and rather than punishing them for this by withdrawing your love, communicate with them what your needs are and then decide if they are willing to meet them. This conversation works two ways. 

For the majority of us who are in quarantine, we may be experiencing this surreal time as a crisis but the fact is that we are all forced to stay at home. Why not release some of the pressure off of who we try to represent ourselves as in the outside world, and instead focus on how we present ourselves as in our inner world?

Let’s start with self reflection. It is important that you know what you want. Through self reflection we can discover your true desires and intentions. With this information, you can verbalize what you are looking for when you re-enter the dating seen in an honest and open way so that the emotional well being of each person is put into consideration and you increase your chances of attracting the person you want.

Here are some questions you can ponder and I encourage you to write down your answers or express them verbally by talking to a friend. Each question helps you define what you want from a partner and the counter question reveals whether you see this quality in yourself.

• What are the main qualities you seek in your partner?
• How can you embody them in yourself? 

• How would you like your partner to treat their body?
• How do you treat your body? 

• Do you have a body positive outlook or are looks very important? 
• How much time do you invest in making yourself look good?

• Do you want a partner who likes to spend all their free time with you or do you prefer space?
• How do you spend your free time?

• Do you feel pressured into being in a relationship by family or friends?
• Do you truly enjoy being single?
• Do you identify as monogamous? In other words, do you feel capable of having romantic relationships with multiple people and being honest about it?
  • If your answer is that you want multiple connections but not commitment then you are saying you prefer to be single, which is ok too. Just make the others aware of this intention.

• What is your self talk like?
• Would you say these things to your partner?

• What does this ideal love feel like to be around?
• How do you feel about yourself after you have spent a lot of time alone?

• What do you require in order to feel loved in the relationship?
• In what way do you intend to express your love to your partner?

Hopefully these questions gave you the opportunity to narrow down the type of person you are hoping to attract while also allowing you to reflect on whether you are in a secure enough place for this person to want to be with you.

If you don’t feel like you embody the ideal partner then here are some ways you can start improving yourself.

Practice mindfulness. This can be done through meditation but what I encourage you to focus on is a constant practice of remaining present and constantly reflecting on what you are doing moment by moment, noticing what feelings and thoughts arise as a result. For those who are stuck at home, it is easy to reflect on the things you decide to do for yourself to ease the boredom. Ask yourself whether what you are doing serves your highest potential and brings joy.

Be genuinely interested in another’s well being. As you work on your personal development don’t ignore another person’s journey. Ask other people about their goals and show genuine interest in what they have to say. Perhaps there are ways you can engage in growth together. When you are appreciated by people, they will likely talk highly of you to others. Humans may not be freely roaming the streets right now, but there are many people indoors who are desperate to connect. Be that listening ear.

Fully engage in your favorite activities. Being passionate about something gives a person that certain gleam in their eye. It is inspiring to see someone fully engage in an activity and witness their progress. Find something that you think you will enjoy, improve your skills in it, and find others who share your passion. This also increases your chances of meeting a partner you can get along with. Youtube is a great way to discover and learn about new hobbies and there are plenty of Facebook Groups offering live classes and the opportunity to network.

Improve your mental health. Our first attachments with our caregivers are the biggest predictors on how we will behave in our adult relationships. If you want to know why look up Bowbly’s Attachment Theory and see where you reside. Don’t let the past define your future. Through counseling you can explore your issues in a safe, confidential environment and be given skills to incorporate, which will create new patterns in your life.

In summary, don’t stop improving yourself and the quality of people you attract will also increase. We are all capable of loving and being loved. There is no guarantee who will come and go in our lives, but it is certain that we will have ourselves. You decide how you feel about yourself through the thoughts you allow and the behaviors you express as a result. Change your reality by creating new patterns.

**I am offering donation based virtual counseling and coaching to those who are in quarantine. I am happy to support you at this time and realize that being inside is an amazing opportunity for self improvement. Fill out my inquiry form to book a session.